We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
