i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
