were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
