Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
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