made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
