im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize