Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
