in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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