Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
