Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
