I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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