I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
My butt remains clenched, sir.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
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