i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
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