I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
