Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
