he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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