I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize