god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
