M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
