Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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