I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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