I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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