The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
He shit in the fireplace
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
