Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
