i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Randomize
