I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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