I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Randomize
