I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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