Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
