I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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