I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize