Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I still have a little drunk in my system
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Randomize
