Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
