oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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