hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
My feet surprised me
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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