There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
