Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
