my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
