He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
