This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
