How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I smell like Dick and happiness
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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