I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
