Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
