official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
