Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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