I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
