I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
