i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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