Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
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