Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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