im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
