Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
