You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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