life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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