Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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