He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
