i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
