Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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