that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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