I just saw a hot homeless man
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
