the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
