I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
