there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
