That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Randomize
