Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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