Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
