He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
