when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
