He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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