Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
